When Bosses Attack

Warning: What you are about to read contains acts so violent in nature that the government couldn't even give us a rating. Consider yourself warned...

When Bosses Attack!

Anyone who has worked in the same environment for a few years can attest that bosses should never be underestimated. Caught unawares, a naive employee who doesn't realize this may suffer the fate of the sick or stray water buffalo swept under water to its death by the jaws of a calculating croc. Though often carefully studied in the wild (from a safe distance behind the confines of one's cubicle), boss behavior has remained an impenetrable mystery. That is, however, until today.

For the past three years and counting, I have risked life and limb to track and study my illusive boss who I shall call, Sharp Tooth. This required much stealth and patience on my part for I soon discovered that Sharp Tooth often hides for hours, if not days, in her lair. From first glance, this lair appeared no different from any other I have encountered in my job safari. But upon closer inspection (when Sharp Tooth is out of the office, i.e. every Friday) I noticed idiosyncracies indictive of this unstable creature. The photos of her young handsomely displayed, the spotted banana, the shelves of unread books, the under-desk clutter of papers and pistachio shells, the stacks of documents and post-it notes littering her desk, all pointed to the complexity that defines Sharp Tooth.

There has been a rare occasion that I have encountered Sharp Tooth while in her lair. Mind you, one only enters by invitation or under duress to find something in that labyrinth of clutter. It's a rare opportunity to actually watch her in action within her lair. She appears more relaxed and better equipped to ignore you or cut you off. Sharp Tooth is especially proficient at pretending to listen while she replies to an email or takes a phone call during an important meeting.

When she finally does emerge to seek out sustenance or a victim on which to smother with incredulous demands, it is best to take shelter in the ladies' room or, if trapped in her path, to remain perfectly still, as her hearing and vision aren't her strongest senses. Beware: she does have a keen sense of smell and can pick up the scent of fear or imposter perfume from twenty cubicle-lengths away.

However it is not always easy to predict Sharp Tooth's movements. At any moment, she may attack her hapless victim, leaving him/her reeling from the blow. I have been both witness and victim to these attacks. On one occasion, though I had completely steered clear of Sharp Tooth for most of the day sensing that she was in a foul mood, I fell victim to her wrath.

My colleague, whom I shall call BP (not for British Petrol but Bi-Polar who deserves a whole other entry entirely), and I were discussing who would volunteer for an AIDS walk promo event at Faces Nightclub. I mentioned that I could go if someone was needed. Then she alerted me that in an earlier conversation Sharp Tooth had mentioned I might not want to go since Faces is a gay club and 1) I might get hit on by lesbians, or 2) if I doll myself up to appear more feminine, I might be confused with a tranvestite.

The strike came out of nowhere and left me barely able to catch my breath. Right then, it was clear to me I was dealing with more than I had bargained for. I scoured my notes searching for clues I had missed. What had I done? At what point did I lose sight of her only to become the prey?

After consulting with Pina, another Sharp Tooth expert, I came to the conclusion that this was just another method of attack of which she was becoming proficient. I term the method: Indirect Chop. Thus, Sharp Tooth can strike at any time, even if not present, an attack no other predator in history has been documented for.

Since that terrible episode, I have learned to avert any subsequent attacks through use of what I call: The Human Shield. This tool forces her to remember that I am a weak human being, susceptible to tears and laughter, a creature made of mere flesh and blood. It seems to provoke her less and, on rare occasions, actually treat me with a shred of dignity (or pity, the difference between which I still have yet to unearth.)

Sadly, others in my office have not been so wise to adopt my method and continue to fall victim to her scathing jaws. For instance, just the other day while looking at our most recent newsletter, Sharp Tooth commented (straight-faced, mind you) that my colleague's husband (pictured in the newsletter) looked like a homeless man.

Needless to say, my study continues...